Friday, June 12, 2009

This is the part where I bash Transformers

[Taking a break from music videos for a short, short time.]

I just rented Transformers, and feel I implored to comment on it before the sequel comes out. For a start, I am repulsed by this film. I mean, I liked Transformers when I was a kid. I liked them because they were brilliantly designed by some Japanese engineer who probably barely made minimum wage. I mean making solid pieces of plastic turn from one shape into something like a handgun just blows my mind. I can't do something like that. That takes brains. Michael Bay does not have brains. This film franchise is a half-baked idea. It's like making a live-action Lego movie. Or worse, a live-action G.I. Joe movie (zing!)

Shia LeBouf. I bet you can't pronounce the name. I don't know who likes this guy other than Steve Spielberg. My friends all think he is a prick. He played a part in ruining Indiana Jones 4, and for that he must be banished from Hollywood credibility. Does anyone else cringe when you see these guys staking all of their credibility on this kid?

OK men: Megan Fox = wildly overrated. Yes, she may be a "bad girl" with tattoos and have made pro-lesbian comments, but get real. It's a joke. Look at her. She's not that elegant. The ability to wear a metric ton of makeup on your face does not make you gorgeous. Yes, her brunette hair and complexion are marvelous, but bodies like that are not that uncommon. If you don't see someone on the street with a figure like that at least once a week, you need to move out of the sticks.

And what about the supporting actors. A fat black guy hacker? Give me a break, Mike Bay! A blond with an Australian accent that would even make Aussies wonder where she was from? Grr. And can Jon Voight only play politicians now? I swear he plays the President (or close to it) in like 8 recent films. You could remove any of these characters and still have the same exact plot.

Let's talk about the CGI. The visual team went out of their way to give Optimus Prime (and the other bots) a working mouth and lips. To me, this is totally wrong and unnecessary. I thought the ninja mask/shield thing was cool when I was a kid, and I still do now. I do not need to see a robot's lips move to know he's a character in the movie.

I'll stop there. Now 1987's Masters of the Universe... THAT was a REAL cartoon-to-live-action movie. Feel the Dolph Lundgren love!!!! Screw the G.I. Joe film, too. I pre-ordain it to be godawful.

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